Terms and Conditions for Borrowing My Stapler

The stapler is provided as-is, where-is, and with a reasonable expectation of return before I notice. Borrower assumes all risk of jaunty staple angles.

Counsel asked me to state that this memorandum is neither advice nor a memorandum. Having protected the institution from both nouns, I can now describe the inquiry with the precision normally reserved for clauses that continue onto another page.

The inquiry then acquired the seriousness that comes from giving it a project code. The agreement defines Stapler to include the device, its spring, all attached staples and the sense of security created by knowing where it is. A task force opened a shared folder, immediately creating the institutional memory required to forget who suggested it.

We tested the proposition under conditions best described as controlled-adjacent. Borrowers must maintain adequate staple reserves and notify me of any material change in desk location, hand dominance or intention to bind more than twelve pages. The spreadsheet accepted these results without protest and was therefore listed as an approving stakeholder.

Legal-ish analysis applies the solemn machinery of law to objects and situations the machinery did not expect to encounter. Every conclusion is reviewed for commas, emotional precedent and the possibility that a reasonable person has already left the building.

Consultation followed. Normal wear is permitted. Emotional wear includes dropping the stapler, praising another stapler within earshot or returning it with unfamiliar staples. All objections were entered into the record in a column narrow enough to preserve momentum.

The board’s final position was both firm and capable of revision without notice. The break-room arbitration clause is final. The vending machine serves as neutral administrator because it has withheld funds from every department equally. Implementation begins once Procurement identifies a vendor willing to invoice the concept.

Disputes shall be settled by binding arbitration in the break room beside the vending machine that steals dollars.

This conclusion is binding only in the decorative sense. Nothing herein creates a duty, right, lien, lunch entitlement or reasonable expectation that Reginald the gavel will answer correspondence. By continuing to read, you acknowledge having already continued.