My Year-End Bonus Was a Larger Portrait of Me

Cash would have been vulgar. Equity would imply arithmetic. Instead, the board commissioned a portrait large enough to influence local weather.

As founder, I approach every question with the humility of a man whose name is already printed on the stationery. The following findings were developed in consultation with my instincts, which have never requested a correction and are not presently accepting outside comment.

The inquiry then acquired the seriousness that comes from giving it a project code. The compensation committee considered cash, options and a parking space. Each failed to align long-term value with the institution’s immediate need for more Wallace. A task force opened a shared folder, immediately creating the institutional memory required to forget who suggested it.

We tested the proposition under conditions best described as controlled-adjacent. The commissioned canvas measures twelve feet by nine and includes a horizon visible only from Accounting. Its frame required a minor amendment to the lobby. The spreadsheet accepted these results without protest and was therefore listed as an approving stakeholder.

Executive Lifestyle examines the domestic consequences of behaving as though every room reports to you. Its central finding is that grandeur rises rapidly while access to ordinary cabinets falls, especially when ceremonial furniture is involved.

Consultation followed. Independent appraisers valued the work at “please move your car.” I accepted this as a strong opening bid from the transportation sector. All objections were entered into the record in a column narrow enough to preserve momentum.

The board’s final position was both firm and capable of revision without notice. Next year’s incentive plan links portrait size to adjusted confidence before matting. Shareholders may vote, provided they can see around it. Implementation begins once Procurement identifies a vendor willing to invoice the concept.

It hangs in the lobby facing the smaller portrait, creating what curators call a liquidity corridor.

The founder’s office considers the matter settled. Implementation will begin as soon as a photographer, a podium and suitable natural light can be secured. Until then, markets should behave normally and avoid making major decisions while I am facing right.