Minutes From the Meeting We Never Held

The board unanimously approved silence, adopted an aggressive snack reserve, and tabled a motion to acquire a longer table.

Governance begins where practical action ends. I convened the appropriate people, distributed papers thick enough to imply preparation and established a process through which every conclusion could be responsibly delayed until it appeared inevitable.

The inquiry then acquired the seriousness that comes from giving it a project code. The non-meeting was called to non-order at 9:00. Members demonstrated strategic absence from six locations, creating the broadest geographic representation in board history. A task force opened a shared folder, immediately creating the institutional memory required to forget who suggested it.

We tested the proposition under conditions best described as controlled-adjacent. No agenda was circulated, preventing unauthorized preparation. The secretary recorded several powerful silences and one distant leaf blower believed to represent Operations. The spreadsheet accepted these results without protest and was therefore listed as an approving stakeholder.

Governance Theater preserves the rituals by which groups appear to decide things. Agendas, gavels and water glasses are arranged until authority becomes visible; the actual decision may then enter quietly through a side door wearing business casual.

Consultation followed. A motion to do nothing passed without objection because no one was available to object. The motion was then referred to an empty subcommittee for implementation. All objections were entered into the record in a column narrow enough to preserve momentum.

The board’s final position was both firm and capable of revision without notice. These minutes are accurate to the best of nobody’s recollection. Corrections must be submitted before the meeting begins, which it will not. Implementation begins once Procurement identifies a vendor willing to invoice the concept.

Action item: continue being unavailable while projecting oversight.

The chair thanked everyone for their alignment, especially those who had not expressed any. Minutes were approved in advance, action items were distributed downhill and the next meeting was scheduled to determine whether this one occurred.